The truth is that God brought us forth, we were each born and we each are alive, “for such a time as this.” (Esther 4:14)

With that knowledge repeating in my heart and mind over the last few weeks, the question is, what am I doing to honor God in my small part of His kingdom, with the time, right now, that he has given me?

Determining where I am in this kingdom seems a good place to start. In my simple reading of Esther, she was taken from her familiar and comfortable world into an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place against her will.

Me too. I was loving my life with Ed. I was happy. We were in tune with each other, as so many long-married couples are. “Peaceful” is a good way to describe us. Certainly, there were issues, physical complaints, work around the house that needed done, appointments to keep. You know, the normal things of every day life.

Then, “our time” changed. We wouldn’t be celebrating my birthday this year by having friends over for chocolate cake with white frosting. That’s okay, We had celebrated last week at a Penguins hockey game. That was really fun. I noticed, though, that he was tired and was having a little trouble moving. That was because his back was hurting again. He would have to schedule another massage treatment with the chiropractor.

Then I noticed a swelling on his left side under his rib cage. Scheduling a checkup wit the PCP would be a good idea too.

The Chiropractor was concerned. “Go to the emergency room right now.” “But I have an appointment with my PCP in two days.” The Chiropractor repeated, “Go to the emergency room right now.” So he picked me up and we went to the emergency room.

A CT scan later and his aches and pains were assigned a cause and a name—Clear Cell Renal Cell Metastatic Carcinoma.

Okay, so our “time such as this” took on new significance. He was going to die. We just didn’t know when.

We went through the process of a hospital stay complete with a variety of testing procedures. We learned he had a broken rib and a fractured vertebrae. So THAT’s why he was hurting so bad.

And they came up with a plan. Radiation treatments for the area of the chest and spine to help stop the spread of this ugly beast that had invaded our lives.

It didn’t work. Our prayers went unanswered, just as Esther’s had. But we were determined to honor our God through this time.

We prayed, we cried, we went together to all the appointments. We even made some plans for his memorial service. People came to the house to visit and pray with and for us.

He quickly was no longer able to drive, then he had trouble getting in the car by himself. Then he needed the walker to get around. Then he couldn’t get to the car. Then he used the rollator to get to the stairclimber to get washed up in the bathroom. Then he couldn’t get on the stairclimber. Then I would push him in the rollator into the powder room and then to the kitchen sink so I could wash him. Then he couldn’t go to the kitchen to be washed. Then he didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore. Then he died. All in a matter of just 5 months.

I was born “for such a time as this.” As difficult as it was, I was, and am, honored and humbled that God would allow me to care for him so personally, privately and carefully. It was all done with more true love than I had ever experienced in my entire life. He was my treasure, my precious gift of God, and now he was gone.

And here I am. What was “ours” is now “mine.” The house, the car, the cracked dining room ceiling, church, friends, grandkids, bills. Even the cat, Mollie, who used to curl up next to him on the recliner, was now my cat, curling up next to me. She’s my cat now.

And, after 3 months I can feel my focus slowly changing. I’m learning to see God more quickly. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really am laughing more when I spill my coffee or tea. I’m beginning to tire of crying so hard. The tears still come. Hopefully they will never stop completely.

Just as Esther eventually saw how God had been working in her through the trials and difficulties, that’s what’s happening to me. I’m changing.

It’s a strange feeling. I’ve been a Christian for 37 years and I feel as though I’m just beginning to know God. I’m seeing him as never before. His presence in my life is becoming more evident and personal. He is now, “my” God.

I’m studying His Word more, pray more quickly and honestly. I’m trusting more deeply. I’m learning to take more responsibility for how I’m showing Christ to others.

More trials will come. The holidays are coming and I’m expecting that to be difficult. And then a new year will begin. I could never have imagined how this year would unfold. I’m leaving next year completely in God’s hands.

And yes, I am hopeful!

I’m acquiring new insight into who I am in my little part of His kingdom on earth. I’m grasping onto the truth that God brought us forth, we were each born and we each are alive, “for such a time as this.” (Esther 4:14)