“The young women will dance for joy, and the men—old and young—will join in the celebration. I will turn their mourning into joy. I will comfort them and exchange their sorrow for rejoicing.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭31‬:‭13‬ ‭NLT‬‬

Ok, so I’m not that “young” woman anymore. But this old girl still has some moves!!

Maybe not as lovely or pretty, but I do believe this past year has moved my heart to place with a greater understanding for true love than I’ve ever known. I have come to value that gift more deeply. I believe my capacity for compassion has expanded in ways I never imagined.

I now know loneliness.

I know what it feels like to come home from a wonderful time with people I love and respect and have no one there to greet me with open arms. I know the difference between being alone and being lonely.

Today in my prayer time, God brought to my remembrance this passage from Jeremiah. Truly, I can not remember the last time I thought of it. Maybe now that the generally accepted “one year period of mourning” is over, He is reminding me that I can, and should, move ahead with joy and rejoicing into the next phase of this life.

Only He knows where my next steps into the future will take me. My fervent prayer is that I go there with the dignity and grace and integrity and wisdom that brings Him all the glory. I long to be the woman He created me to be.

The dance from mourning to joy, from sorrow to rejoicing, as offered in this passage, is mine for the taking.

I’m certain that loneliness and being lonely will still exist in my life. I’m not so blind as to believe that suddenly and magically I will cease to mourn losing Ed. He was truly part of me for over 32 years.

But before his life on Earth was over, Ed gave me one last very precious gift to carry in my heart. He gave me permission to allow God to “turn my mourning into joy.”

He said to, “Grieve me, but don’t live there.”

So here I am Lord, I’ll follow you in this new dance. I believe that is where my joy and my rejoicing live.

Achieving the early years of my 70’s I have had the remarkable experiences of various stages of vulnerability. As always, I feel it necessary to remind readers that I have no training is psychology. I did, however, take one course in “Psychology for Law Enforcement Officers” at San Antonio College in the early 1980’s. I loved that class and I got a perfect score on all my tests!

So there stated, is my only “formal” qualification to be writing this. I believe, however, my life experiences and keen insights (?) give me all I need to continue with this post.

Childhood vulnerability is when how we learn to trust, or not trust, our parents, brothers and sisters, teachers, friends and those in authority over us. We are exposed to so much at such a young age. We are content when our trust is rewarded. We are damaged when it is not.

Then come the teenage years when our friends may lead us astray and we, in our vulnerability, go along with them. But there are also those friends who truly have our best in their hearts. They may not be as fun to be around, but they are the healthiest for us in these vulnerable years. Often our childhood trust lessons will determine which of those friends we will follow.

Before we know it, we are young adults and of course we know so much more than anyone else who has ever walked the face of the earth. We could never be so vulnerable as to repeat the mistakes of the generations that have gone before. After all, look how they mess everything up!! We must fix it all before it’s too late. We’ll set this world back on it’s right footing.

Then, often comes the grown up years where we are supposed to work for a living. (yes, I’m old enough to still believe this) We enter a new stage where we may have met ”the one for me”! You marry, have children, buy a house, put up that swing set in the yard and yes, get up for work every day for the r-e-s-t of your life!

The kids go off to college or on to the lives they’ve chosen to explore. Or maybe, at this part of the grown up years, you’ve chosen to remain single. Your influence on others has been remarkable! You have experiences you could never have had if you had been married. You are happy and content and thankful for your singleness.

Then come the years when you are older, when your kids have kids of their own, when you have all you could ever have dreamed of. You’ve made all the right decisions along the way. You’ve been a good parent and you sit back and watch as your grandchildren grow to be the pride of your life! You and your spouse are truly content and plan to grow old together. You make plans for your retirement and begin the golden years together. Or you chose to remain single and you bask in the glory of the accolades you receive as you continue to pour yourself out to those who God brought to you. You are a bit less active, but still doing well, physically and emotionally. In either case, your greatest vulnerability comes in the form of getting out of that chair without too many bones cracking and aching!

Then, suddenly, the one you loved the most is gone. Their time here on earth is over and you are left with yourself, and by yourself, and you feel more vulnerable than you ever imagined. Or you have been single, and the reality of that choice is upon you. You have lead a full life and you are still content. But the people and friends around you are beginning to enter into their eternity. You may begin to wonder how much time there is for your life.

Neither of these places in life are bad, or unusual, or should be questioned about which is right or wrong. These choices of life are what they are. They are the things that brought us joy and fullness of life.

From my personal experience, the only authority on which I can speak, the richest and deepest place of joy at this time in my life comes from the most vulnerable times. The times when we both cried on our honeymoon. How you looked stunned and the boys laughed and wouldn’t let me forget when I called Ed by my ex-husband’s name. How we both made a mess of the early years of our marriage with two grown sons—I pray they forgive us for that and so many hurts prior to that time. And there was the weekend trip to Peru. When we traveled to OCMD each summer together, crossing the Bay Bridge on the way!

The sadness we felt when we learned that our granddaughter has Autism. Then a few years later when we learned another granddaughter had Autism. Learning what to say and what not to say was a challenge we took on together. The joy of watching these grands growing up and learning life for themselves. Then, later to hear that two of our granddaughters have a serious muscular disease.

How we both felt so vulnerable wen he stood in the hallway of a variety of hospitals praying for me as I was rolled into the OR for another surgery. When I waited to hear the outcome of his heart cauterization two weeks after my mother’s passing. The way he stood by me when many untruths were hurled at me by “loved ones.” The eye contact we made when he was singing in the choir and I was in the seats as we praised God together. Seeing his heart in the art he produced. His love of his Creator God never wavered but remained strong. How he struggled with pain as he walked up and down the steps of the arena when we went to watch the Pittsburgh Penguins game, an early birthday gift for me.

The sound of his voice when I got the call from him a week later telling me that he would be picking me up. His chiropractor sent him to the ER for a suspicious swelling. That same night, the day before my 72nd birthday, when the doctor came into the room telling us that he had cancer and that it had spread throughout his body and was inoperable, that the pain he was feeling in his back was from a broken vertebrae. The few months of testing, radiation, immunotherapy, moving from walking, to a walker to wheelchair to not being able to leave the house to not being able to walk at all. To friends coming to the house to offering their prayers and saying their goodbyes, to making plans for his funeral, to his last breath. To his memorial service.

As joyful and as painful as those times may have been, the depth of our vulnerability toward and in each other was a precious gift of God that words can ever express. This is the richness of God’s work in our lives.

I wouldn’t trade the gift of that deep, spiritual vulnerability for anything. But now I’m here, at the most vulnerable moment in the last 32 years of my life trusting that God will carry me through.

The truth is that God brought us forth, we were each born and we each are alive, “for such a time as this.” (Esther 4:14)

With that knowledge repeating in my heart and mind over the last few weeks, the question is, what am I doing to honor God in my small part of His kingdom, with the time, right now, that he has given me?

Determining where I am in this kingdom seems a good place to start. In my simple reading of Esther, she was taken from her familiar and comfortable world into an unfamiliar and uncomfortable place against her will.

Me too. I was loving my life with Ed. I was happy. We were in tune with each other, as so many long-married couples are. “Peaceful” is a good way to describe us. Certainly, there were issues, physical complaints, work around the house that needed done, appointments to keep. You know, the normal things of every day life.

Then, “our time” changed. We wouldn’t be celebrating my birthday this year by having friends over for chocolate cake with white frosting. That’s okay, We had celebrated last week at a Penguins hockey game. That was really fun. I noticed, though, that he was tired and was having a little trouble moving. That was because his back was hurting again. He would have to schedule another massage treatment with the chiropractor.

Then I noticed a swelling on his left side under his rib cage. Scheduling a checkup wit the PCP would be a good idea too.

The Chiropractor was concerned. “Go to the emergency room right now.” “But I have an appointment with my PCP in two days.” The Chiropractor repeated, “Go to the emergency room right now.” So he picked me up and we went to the emergency room.

A CT scan later and his aches and pains were assigned a cause and a name—Clear Cell Renal Cell Metastatic Carcinoma.

Okay, so our “time such as this” took on new significance. He was going to die. We just didn’t know when.

We went through the process of a hospital stay complete with a variety of testing procedures. We learned he had a broken rib and a fractured vertebrae. So THAT’s why he was hurting so bad.

And they came up with a plan. Radiation treatments for the area of the chest and spine to help stop the spread of this ugly beast that had invaded our lives.

It didn’t work. Our prayers went unanswered, just as Esther’s had. But we were determined to honor our God through this time.

We prayed, we cried, we went together to all the appointments. We even made some plans for his memorial service. People came to the house to visit and pray with and for us.

He quickly was no longer able to drive, then he had trouble getting in the car by himself. Then he needed the walker to get around. Then he couldn’t get to the car. Then he used the rollator to get to the stairclimber to get washed up in the bathroom. Then he couldn’t get on the stairclimber. Then I would push him in the rollator into the powder room and then to the kitchen sink so I could wash him. Then he couldn’t go to the kitchen to be washed. Then he didn’t have to go to the bathroom anymore. Then he died. All in a matter of just 5 months.

I was born “for such a time as this.” As difficult as it was, I was, and am, honored and humbled that God would allow me to care for him so personally, privately and carefully. It was all done with more true love than I had ever experienced in my entire life. He was my treasure, my precious gift of God, and now he was gone.

And here I am. What was “ours” is now “mine.” The house, the car, the cracked dining room ceiling, church, friends, grandkids, bills. Even the cat, Mollie, who used to curl up next to him on the recliner, was now my cat, curling up next to me. She’s my cat now.

And, after 3 months I can feel my focus slowly changing. I’m learning to see God more quickly. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I really am laughing more when I spill my coffee or tea. I’m beginning to tire of crying so hard. The tears still come. Hopefully they will never stop completely.

Just as Esther eventually saw how God had been working in her through the trials and difficulties, that’s what’s happening to me. I’m changing.

It’s a strange feeling. I’ve been a Christian for 37 years and I feel as though I’m just beginning to know God. I’m seeing him as never before. His presence in my life is becoming more evident and personal. He is now, “my” God.

I’m studying His Word more, pray more quickly and honestly. I’m trusting more deeply. I’m learning to take more responsibility for how I’m showing Christ to others.

More trials will come. The holidays are coming and I’m expecting that to be difficult. And then a new year will begin. I could never have imagined how this year would unfold. I’m leaving next year completely in God’s hands.

And yes, I am hopeful!

I’m acquiring new insight into who I am in my little part of His kingdom on earth. I’m grasping onto the truth that God brought us forth, we were each born and we each are alive, “for such a time as this.” (Esther 4:14)

I hate being single. I hate being a widow.

The morning Ed passed away I sat beside him holding onto “him,” speaking to “him” as though “he” might respond. Then, suddenly I realized, that wasn’t “him” anymore. The body next to me was the former dwelling place of the Holy Spirit, the essence of who Ed was. Ed really was gone.

I remember hearing myself cry, “How do I do this?” “I don’t know how to do this.”

I still don’t know how to be single. I don’t know how to be a widow.

Three months in and it’s been harder than I thought it would be. Just filling all the hours is work. I miss waking up to the aroma of coffee in the house. Often when I rolled out of bed, he was already hard at work in his office. It was wonderful having him work from home. It was sweet hearing his half of the conversations he was having with the staff In Wisconsin. He was kind to everyone and that is probably his greatest legacy. I miss his voice, his hugs. I miss seeing him read his Bible. I miss watching him sing in the choir. I miss telling him my silly thoughts. I miss seeing him napping on his recliner with the cat curled up at his feet. I miss having someone to say nothing important to.

How wrong I was believing I was a strong, independent woman. I had been through so very much, mostly difficult times. Then suddenly, this wonderful man showed up in my life and showed me a different life, one based in the joy of the Lord.

32 years later, this godly man is gone, along with my strength, my independence and yes, a lot of my joy. I hadn’t realized how much responsibility our relationship hid from me. Not intentionally, but just through the process of life, he took care of so many things that I just never knew.

I might take the car to get inspected, but he’s the one who made the appointment and assured payment was made. He “ran to the store” to pick up those few things we needed. He got the bills paid every month. He knew which of those bills were automatically withdrawn from our account and which had to be given other attention. Which are paid annually? He cleaned the liter box. He did so much. And he did it all with joy and love in his heart.

Now it’s all on me. In some ways it would be easier if I had not relinquished some of those household responsibilities. I would have a system set up. But now I have to set up my own system in mid-stream.

Yesterday I had my second doctors appointment since he’s been gone. It was hard. He was with me through years of medical procedures and doctors appointments. I’m putting off a simple heart procedure until after the holidays because I don’t want to know. But the biggest thing I’m facing now is the CT scan. Has the kidney cancer returned? Will I have to go through more surgery or treatments? Will I have to do it alone? Will I have to depend on people with already busy lives? I’ve become so dependent on others in so many ways.

Yes, these stressful circumstances have caused me to become closer to my Creator. He knows the answers before I even have the questions. He will never leave me or forsake me. He loves me more than Ed ever did, or could. And Ed loved me so well.

But I still have to go through this grief process alone, in the middle of all life’s normal process. No one can do it for me. The bills will get paid, the medical questions will be answered, the liter box will get cleaned. God will carry me through. Nothing in my life will happen unless it’s first passed through God’s hands. I will continue to smile and joke and even be happy. But my status remains.

I hate being single. I hate being a widow.

My heart has been pierced over the atrocities that have occurred in Israel and throughout the Middle East over the past few weeks.

The Biblical mandate for God’s people to pray for the safety of Israel has never been obscure. It has been quite plain to even our newest brothers and sisters in Christ.

I surely do my best to follow the teachings of Christ. I try not to don’t lie, cheat or steal, I go to church, worship with other believers, study His Word, try to focus on those who might need help along the way, contribute as I am able, and on and on and on.

But I have not routinely prayed for Israel? I just don’t. I never have been loyal to pray for the safety and salvation of God’s beloved Israel.

And what about the Palestinian people who have no guilt in the recent attacks? I can assure you that only a few have prayed for their salvation.

Now, the possibility of this war growing beyond these few borders is starting to make me nervous. Oh, and there are some on the “terror watchlist” are coming across our borders? Now, this is making a difference. I better start praying this doesn’t spread and threaten my own personal safety.

It’s okay if I pray for safety for myself and those I love the most. Am I praying for the good guys and against the bad guys? I may need to rethink that one.

But looking even closer to “home,” I must now pray for a bit of a different view. What is the condition of my heart? Am I praying for forgiveness for my sin of omission to pray for Israel.

Maybe the condition of my own heart is a wise place to start.

Forgive me, Lord.

October 19. Ed’s birthday. The first without him. I’m so very thankful for the precious time we had together.

Tomorrow I’ll get back to figuring out how to be a widow. Today I wallow in his love.

Okay, so I may not be a great writer, but I sure am an honest one! This honesty reveals some of my deepest held heartaches, pain, hurts and confusions. This one…I’m not sure what it says about me. Here goes!

“Are drawers the window to the soul?” she (me) laughed to herself (me) as she (me) attempted to retrieve a back scratcher from her (my) bed side stand.

This was pretty much the first thing I did when I woke up today. Even before talking to God! I’m such a heathen!!

What a wonderful way to start the day. Let’s see what other truths will be revealed to me today.

So then, after praying, I opened my eyes a little wider. And I realized, the top of the table looked the same. My phone, my new mini CD player with headphones, my water bottle, a couple of small yet profound books, of course my glasses to read them with. Oh, and yes, the lamp!

Neither the accumulated items inside the drawer nor on top of the stand says much to applaud my organization skills. They are great in other areas, but not in drawers!

As I considered the rest of the cupboards, closets, dressers, kitchen drawers, rooms, attic, basement, etc., I realize that I have way too much stuff, and none of it is well-organized. “So Jane,” you might ask, “why not get organized?” Good question. Let me consider an answer.

Somehow, I go straight to the heart. I don’t consider myself a lazy person, so it must be deeper than that. I hate mess but obviously not enough to do anything about it.

I truly wonder if it’s symptomatic of my years of stuffing my feelings way down into my heart. That was a habit that was very hard to break. So now that I know that, what am I going to do with it.

Time to clean the garbage out of my drawers, cupboards, closets, dressers, kitchen drawers, rooms, attic, basement, etc.! No more excuses. And as I do, I can further cleanse myself of any lingering garbage in my heart and soul.

Why wouldn’t I have expected the Accuser to work to steal, kill and destroy all the wonderful things that God graced me with over the weekend. I had not guarded my heart against the wiles of the wicked one. The darts included guilt, confusion, self reliance, fear, loneliness, hyper sensitivity and more. In essence, I was nuts!!

Now, one reason for my insanity may have partially been due to the fact that I am prone to mood swings for which I am medicated. But, here’s the problem. I’ve been out of my meds since September 30 (corrected from previous statement of “last Saturday”).

After Ed passed away, I began taking a slightly higher dose, which caused my Rx to run out sooner. Since it is a controlled medication, they won’t refill it until the earliest legal date, the 19th. So I’ve been in withdrawal.

I find it interesting that the 19th would have been Ed’s 70th birthday. He always wanted to live to be 70 because his Mom and his sister didn’t. So, let’s add that to the list of reasons to be crazy!

Then last evening I had enough! I moved my focus back onto the Giver of all good things. Instead of asking Him to take away my pain and confusion, I asked Him to show me Himself in the middle of it all. I intentionally and purposefully turned my eyes back to Him.

Now, it’s possible that I may feel emotional distress for a few more days, He will carry me through it. Praise His holy name!!

I spent such a remarkable weekend at a retreat in Jumonville with new family members in Christ. There was excellent teaching and preaching, prayer, a much needed healing service, sweet communion, lots of good food, tender and worshipful music. Thank you to those at my table who served us, then cleared and cleaned the table after. There was hardly any sleep but there was plenty of coffee!

At the end were given the opportunity to share our impressions of the weekend. I almost didn’t share my heart because knew I was going to cry and they had kindly shown that grace to me quite often. I finished by saying I don’t know what my purpose was now as I journey through my new station in life. I knew I would continue to sing God’s praises and check myself daily for ways I might be hindering His work in me. I knew He would take care of me. He always has and He doesn’t change. But I didn’t know how I would accomplish his will.

But something changed within me during that precious moment in time.

Let me back up a bit.

Since an 2016 have been writing the story of how God healed me from a life of pain, sin, terrible decisions and so much more. I’d add a chapter here and there, but it wasn’t really going anywhere.

About 2 years ago I hit a wall. I couldn’t write another word. I was embarrassed because I had told so many people about this wonderful testimony of God’s grace to me. But I just couldn’t write. Nothing was there. It was as though God took my keyboard from me. And my pens and pencils and paper and notebooks.

As I grew less confident in myself, I grew closer to him, more dependent upon him. Over time my prayer life began to change. I had been demanding he change “those people, whatever it takes!“ you know, those people who had hurt me. Now I prayed that he change me, whatever it takes, and to give me a greater love and concern for them.

They aren’t saved. Some are angry at God. Some are doing so very much good, that has to count for something. Whatever their conditions, I remembered when I was the person that was causing the hurt and the pain. I remembered doing that because I was a hurt person. I remembered it’s true that hurt people hurt people.

I began praying for the strength and wisdom to forgive them, whether they forgive me or not. I continue to pray for healing of their hurts and for their salvation. I prayed for the people I blamed for my misery, even the self-inflicted parts.

It felt so good to finally be unburdened by such unforgivingness. And I check myself continuously on my tendency to judge and speak badly of others. That’s hard for me because old habits die hard.

More recently, I’ve been praying for myself, not that God would take away my pain, but to help me grow from it, even in the midst of it. He’s been so gracious to me. I pray for wisdom to know His will, for strength to carry it out and the ability to accomplish it with dignity so as to glorify Him.

But, something changed within me this weekend. I’m writing again!! And I’m loving it!! Maybe this is the purpose for my new life. If so, that is just fine with me!! I can do this…never on my own, but through His power!

Time to finish this book. I can feel the keyboard again.

The only drawback is that now I have to cut my nails. I kind of liked them long. Oh well, a minor sacrifice I’m more than willing to make! 😊

Thank you all, who were mightily used of God for my benefit this weekend. I am eternally grateful.

I am someone I’ve never expected to be. I am a widow. On August 3 my husband, Ed, the love of my life, passed on to eternity in Heaven.

Ed had been diagnosed on February 27 with having Clear Cell Renal Cell Carcinoma that had metastasized. He had tumors everywhere painfully accompanied by broken bones. He had arthritis and had contributed his pain mainly to that.

Ten days prior to his diagnosis I noticed that he had a swelling on the left side of his abdomen. This was the first sign that something more was involved. He called the doctor the next day and his appointment was set for March 1, just 9 days away.

He had a chiropractor appointment on February 27, which happened to be the day before my birthday. When the chiropractor came into the room, Ed mentioned the swelling I found. He told Ed to leave there and go immediately to the hospital. Ed mentioned that he had an appointment with his PCP in two days, but he repeated, “Go to the hospital immediately.”

Ed left the office and called to say he would be picking me up and we would be going to the hospital. At the hospital they quickly examined him and then took him for a CT scan. Before long, the doctor returned to the room and gave us the news.

Interestingly, neither of us panicked or cried. Ed said his first thought was that he was going to go on a trip. My first thought was that all of our days are numbered.

I stayed with him at the hospital for a few hours, then he sent me home to get him a few necessities and to get some sleep. He would call me when they had a room for him at Allegheny General Hospital in Pittsburgh.

The call came early the next morning and I was able to arrive in time to follow the transport ambulance to what would be his temporary home for the next week.

Tests confirmed that the cancer had spread throughout his body and causing bones everywhere to be broken, including in his spine and his rib cage. Fortunately, it had not gone to his brain, but was later found to be in his skull.

His illness progressed quickly and the immunotherapy and radiation treatments were unsuccessful. He spent time at home, only returning to the hospital for one day. He did not want to die in a hospital. It was very difficult watching him quickly weaken while his pain level rapidly increased. It wouldn’t be long. But there could never be enough time.

Through this downward progression, we said just about everything we could ever want or need to say to each other. We laughed, cried, prayed, kissed, and gave each other the best life we could possibly give for what little time we had.

I remember the events of the morning of August 3 but not much after about 11:10 when Hospice arrived and officially pronounced, even though he had actually breathed his last about 30 minutes prior to that. I remember little more about that day and not too much of the next.

Thankfulness is not a word I would normally assign to the day my beloved died, but, in the midst of my overwhelming sadness, that is what I’ve felt. Thankfulness to God: for not letting this gentle man hurt any more; for assigning a friend to be with me in those last moments; for the friends who were there to hold me in their arms and in their hearts; for allowing my brain to be put on hold so as not to have to relive those first moments without him.

But mostly, I am thankful for the more than 32 years I was graced and honored to be Ed’s wife.

And now, the new role of widow begins for me. I am not so good at this. I have no idea how to do this but I know God has got me right there in the palm of his hands, as he always has.

For that, I am thankful.

Got my phone, a book to read, the coupon for the oil change, keys—oh, there they are. All set to take my “Social Security car” in for its regular checkup, plus a very minor face-lift.

Make sure the cat is fed, lock the door, set the house alarm, get in the car.

Oh no! One black sock and one blue sock!

Out of the car, turn off the house alarm, unlock the door, get the other black sock, take the shoe off, put the sock on, put the shoe back on. Get the keys, lock the door, set the house alarm, get in the car.

What?! Still one black sock and one blue sock! They both looked black in the house.

Out of the car, turn off the house alarm, unlock the door, take off the shoe, take off the sock, put the right sock on, put the shoe back on.

Don’t forget the keys, lock the door, set the house alarm, get back in the car.

Two blue socks…

I can handle this!

For the past couple of weeks I’ve been experiencing a deep appreciation for the goodness of God in my life.

I am a Christian, but messages are coming from all around me—church, Facebook, Instagram, streamingservices, TV—seem to be leading me to answer one question. “What kind of Christian am I?”

I say I have accepted Jesus as my Lord and Savior. I know that is true. I say I have devoted myself to Him, have turned from my wicked ways and have become a new person because of his amazing grace.

But has this change been manifested in my life? What does this change look like? Have I really become more like Christ over the years?

It’s been 37 years since this change began. And yes, I have changed.

How have I changed? We’ll, some things are obvious. I’ve stopped hanging at the places I used to hang out and stopped hanging with the people I used to hang with and stopped doing many things I used to do. I have read and studied under some amazing pastors and teachers as the various churches I have attended groups and done individual Bible studies that were very helpful to me in my faith walk. All these things have helped me know Christ better.

Since early childhood and into my recent adulthood, the actions of people who we’re supposed to love me succeeded in removing one precious thing from the fabric of my existence. As a result of the absence of this precious element, I inflicted many hurts and harms upon the people that I love the most, to my deepest regret. May God’s all-encompassing grace encapsulate them as they heal from those hurts.

This past weekend my church, Allegheny Center Alliance Church on Pittsburgh’s North Side, had a guest speaker. Jerrel Gilliam, Executive Director of Light of Life Rescue Mission presented a very thought provoking and heart wrenching message about the needs of the homeless and how to address them.

One term he used to describe what hurting people lack—and need— is DIGNITY.

That’s it!!! That’s what those people took from me!! That’s what I took from others!!

Dignity is what God has restored in me and what helped me recover from those hurts.

That’s who I am now.

I am a sinner saved by the grace of God through faith in Christ Jesus, being led by the instruction and counsel of the Holy Spirit. I am His child who has regained the precious gift of DIGNITY available to each if us if we know how to find it.

This is a precious, life-affirming and even life-saving gift we can offer to others.

That is who I am. I am a woman of dignity because of God’s grace to me. He has healed me, taught me to set healthy boundaries and opened my heart to share that gift with others.

I give Him all the praise and glory as he continues his mighty work in me as I strive to become more like him.

That Mother’s Day was one of many spent with our son, daughter-in-law and her family. It was a wonderful way to celebrate!

Our grandson, Alex, hadn’t yet turned 2. Oh, what a sweet little guy he was, happy and mischievous. He couldn’t do enough to let you know how much you loved him! (Yes, I said that right!)

In honor of the day, they gave me a beautiful hanging basket of flowers. Alex must have told me 100 times, with excitement shining through those sparkling eyes, that they were just from him to me!

As we made our way to the car at the end of the day, with my beautiful gift in hand, Alex stopped me and, with a big smile, handed me a twig he had picked up from the yard. Of course, I made a big deal about how lovely it was and how I would treasure it always.

Over time, the flowers in the basket passed beyond their expected lifespan and were tossed away.

Alex will soon turn 14 and I still have my precious twig!! One of the most cherished gifts I have ever received!

JAS

May 1, 2021

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew11:28-30 NIV

Today I was gifted with a new understanding of the depth of what God is offering through these words.

The burden we carry deep inside of us is that sin—the one that is most difficult to confess.

To confess it, we would need to acknowledge it. To acknowledge it is to admit the level of our depravity. To admit that level of depravity is to go back into the hidden places of our memory and to see it again, to experience it again, and to feel the evil that we chose to be a part of, to do, to be.

But why would anyone want to go back to that place, that day, that time? Why would we want to take that onto ourselves again? And why would a Holy God choose to take that nightmare upon himself, His sinless Self, and in exchange, offer us what we could never imagine. Peace. Relief from the weight of this burden we have carried all these years; the evil that has haunted us.

The offer is so unfair to Him. Why would he choose to take that burden away from us, let alone take it upon himself? The answer is so simple we cannot begin to conceive of it. The answer is: LOVE.

Love that has no boundaries, no end, nothing we could ever deserve, yet so freely given. 

There is one string attached to this gift. There always is, right? He asked that we love Him in return. That we rejoice in the freedom from guilt that we have carried. That we live a life that is so pleasing to Him and that we reap all the benefits of the most precious gift.

Oh, and one more thing. He asks that we tell others about this glorious gift, to never stop spreading the word of His love, His peace, His joy, His forgiveness. And it’s my hope that you will accept that gift. You don’t even have to understand it; how could you? You don’t have to be good enough; you never will be! You don’t have to be afraid; but if you are, that’s okay. You just need to trust that Jesus Christ really did die to take your sins upon himself to make you whole and clean and worthy. Wouldn’t you love to see yourself like that?

So, Dear Friend, if there is a burden you are carrying, give it away to the one who will exchange it for himself. His burden is light and He alone will give you rest.

I promise.

A Facebook Friend asked why we were awake, sharing posts at this hour, somewhere around 4am. This is my truthful answer to her…

God’s calling on my heart to stand with the oppressed while praying for the oppressor is weighing heavily on me. Many, many times in my life I’ve been in the place to forgive those who have hurt and even harmed me. Please don’t think I equate my circumstances with what’s going on in the world today. I simply recall my own difficult times to attempt to better understand the pain that others carry.

With the last person I have been able to forgive, it took me over 40 years of praying for us both to be freed of our sinful ways—him, for the things he did to me and for myself, for my own dreadful sins against others.

I take very seriously that we are all sinners and will always have a sinful nature, whether unsaved or saved by God’s grace. I also take seriously the command to pray for hearts to be changed. People truly dislike the concept of praying for our oppressors just as strongly as we stand with those who are oppressed. I pray for wisdom in these times of justified anger and expressed pain. I pray that I will balance well my tendencies toward anger and the hope of peace. I absolutely believe that the greatest outcome to the evil in my personal part of this world is that I will spend my eternity in heaven with the worst of my offenders because we have both repented and chosen to live for Christ.

That’s what keeps me up at night.

Today is my birthday. I’m 69 years old today. I LOVE birthdays!! Sure, I love that special dinner date with my husband, spending time with wonderful friends, presents and cards and well-wishes and all. But at this age, I’ve come to understand that birthdays are so much more than the things you get, tangible or otherwise.

When I awoke this morning the first thing that came to my mind was Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV):

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!

Read that again. Now think on it. WOW!!! That means I’m so very important to Him, my Creator! It just blows my mind!!

He has given each day of my life as a gift. He knew all about them — good and bad — before I was even born. He’s the one who decided who my parents would be, my brothers and sisters, my own children and grandchildren.

Now, the last two years have been filled with personal loss; the passing of my mother, family members turning their backs on me and some physical issues, too. As difficult as it’s been, it has caused me to hold stronger and stronger to the One who Created me! 

Over these many years full of days, I have certainly made a mess of more of those days than I care to remember. At the same time, I don’t really want to forget them, because they remind me of the amazing grace and unfailing love and forgiveness that Jesus has bestowed upon me, simply because I trusted him. That day in August, 1986 was truly my “born again” day. My life was changed forever and for all time that day.

That change was not obviously immediate. Believe me, it’s been an real process and, thankfully, that process will continue until my last day on this earth. And that’s wonderful! I don’t want to be the same person next birthday as I am this birthday. I can rest assurred that God will be right there with me through to sunshine and the storms, in the desert and in the lush places. He has been there in the battles and in the times of perfect peace. And I have done nothing to deserve anything good, except follow Christ and allow him to change me into that person that I was intended to be when he knit me together. 

I was a church-goer. I believed in God. I tried to do my best and be “good.” None of those things made a real difference in my life. Nothing ever really changed until I trusted Jesus Christ!

As I look back on my life and see all those who have gone before me, family and friends, classmates (one who passed away just yesterday), fellow church members, I wonder when my days will be no more. And while I’m not crazy about where my mind takes me as to the manner and cause of my death, I have no concerns, fears or worries about what will happen thereafter and throughout eternity. Jesus already paid the ticket price for my admission into the great and awesome eternity in heaven. 

 There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that the greatest gift you can ever give to yourself is to allow Christ to be the Lord of your life. Please, do it today. Nothing would make me happier than to know I would share a birthday/new-birth-day with you! 

Thank you, Lord, for this beautiful birthday. Oh, and I plan on having a 70th birthday. I’m already planning that party!!

Having trouble sleeping tonight, I started thinking of the many ways I’ve been changed since accepting Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in August, 1986.

I was in dire need of a new way to be. The old way certainly wasn’t working. I didn’t know how to live a life pleasing to God. I was completely out of control and causing great harm to the ones I loved the most.

Although so much has changed, I am grateful to still be in the process of learning more about Him. Just ask anyone who knows me–I need all the help I can get!

One of my favorite Bible verses from those early years of my rebirth came to mind tonight. Some of the words may sound harsh, outdated or impossible to live up to. They aren’t. It’s possible through the power of the Holy Spirit working within us. When we commit our lives to Christ, he will make a way because of his great love for us.

From the book of Titus, chapter 2, verses 11-13:

11 For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, 12 teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age, 13 looking for the blessed hope and glorious appearing of our great God and Savior Jesus Christ,

If I had been able to sleep, I might have missed this beautiful reminder of a promise of God that, no matter how bad things seem, there is always hope for the future! I pray that this will bring you peace when times get tough.

Standing on His promises,

Jane

One of my favorite words in the bible is “Lovingkindness.” Depending on the version, this can be one long word, a hyphenated word, or two separate words. I like it as one long word. It seems to stress its impact. Biblically defined, it means mercy, kindness, goodness, to bend or bow oneself, to be gracious and merciful.

It is such a beautiful expression of the deep commitment, emotion and intention of God’s love and care for us and a description of how he intends us to care for others.

When we look honestly at this concept it is very difficult for some people (me included) to apply in real life situations. Lovingkindness was not abundant in the home where I grew up. While we had wonderful times together we also experienced anger, confusion, and downright meanness. Unfortunately, this is what I brought to the relationship with my husband. Over time, I have come to know that it is one of the most important qualities that you can bring to a marriage in its full intensity and purity.

Ed and I met at work. I was a 40-year-old divorced mother of two teenage sons and he was a 37-year-old-never-been-married man. I was a struggling Christian woman and had not yet found a home church. Ed was settled in a small country church where he was Worship and Youth Group leader. While these differences brought their own difficulties, the greatest adjustment for me was understanding and expressing lovingkindness. Through Ed’s patience and unfailing trust in God, he taught me the true meaning of the word.

Lovingkindness is a humbling stance we must take as we hold our spouse in higher esteem than ourselves, being willing and honored to serve their good. To do this on a daily, continuing basis can be rough. We are a very selfish, self-serving people. By practicing lovingkindness we become more keenly aware that what hurts one of us hurts the other. What blesses one, blesses the other. Through marriage, we are one person and when we share God’s best with our partner, we are extending that blessing to ourselves and our marriage.

Life’s difficulties often get in the way. That’s when we must extend more grace, holding them to a higher place, lifting them up, helping them through the difficulties. Ed and I have seen often in our marriage that one person is going through a more trying time than the other. For instance, a few years ago Ed lost his job. While it surely affected me, he’s the breadwinner and needed to find a new means to support us and our household, he also needed me to support him and show him the strength he had difficulty finding. He quickly rediscovered that strength through my example. That’s how it has worked for 27 years now!

Practicing lovingkindness is vital as we seek and experience God’s continuing grace, purpose and power in our marriage.

It has been some time since I’ve shared from my heart on this site. I have been so wrapped up in the election ruckus and aftermath. I took part in the verbal ugliness that has displayed itself on Facebook. I am embarrassed and I am repenting from my words and actions. 

This brings me to my church. Prayer and fasting is a very important component in the life of many of my Christian brothers and sisters. It serves to allow our focus to be God instead of ourselves. Often we find it difficult to tune into what the Holy Spirit is trying to tell us through all the confusion. This time of prayer and fasting will silence us for a time. 

As part of my church’s current endeavors of expanding God’s influence throughout our community, my pastor suggested that we fast something of importance to us. One of his suggestions was to fast from Facebook. I took that suggestion seriously, at least for the second part — the fasting. It turns out my prayer life hadn’t improved much.

Any time we draw closer to God we can be sure that the devil will have his minions working overtime on us. Some pay a very high price for our efforts to be in a closer relationship with their Creator, some deal with something more than annoyances. 

Over the past month or so, my sleep has been greatly interrupted by many frightening and accusing thoughts and dreams. Some nights I had no sleep at all.  No matter how much I prayed for sleep and a peaceful mind, it was not happening. 

Then, I remembered the reason for fasting– to get closer to God. It is not a time to ask for favors because “I’m doing this good thing and I’m being so good, He should answer my prayers!” 

Finally, I changed my focus to praising Him. I remembered, again, that He saved me from my sins and from myself. Christ paid the extreme price to save my soul. That was a gift I certainly did nothing to earn or deserve. But, that didn’t matter to Him. He loves me more than I can imagine. He loves us all more than we can ever imagine.

Since turning my focus back to God, I’m finally sleeping better and my husband is quite thankful to have a rested wife back. 

Through this time I have been reminded and have been made more sturdy in my conviction that no matter the situation, it is better to stand with God than in opposition to Him.

No matter the price. 

My Testimony

Each of our lives is filled to the brim the daily decision of all shapes and sizes. Over time, they have added up to create the people we are today. The ability to make the right decisions is wholly based on where we stand with our Creator. He has changed me and is continuing to teach me the difference between decisions that are based in fear and those based on faith.
I was raised in a church-going family. We were there for every Sunday and holiday. We made our First Communion and Confirmation. We were a “good” Catholic family.
At a very early age I had my first memorable encounter with the Holy Spirit, though I didn’t recognize it for what it was. When I was about 9 years of age, I was kneeling in church, when I heard myself say, “There’s got to be more to it than this.” I was shocked and even saddened by what eventually proved to be a true word of God.
I’ve some really bad life experiences. I’ve suffered mental, physical, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse, often from the people who were supposed to love me the most. Some were inflicted upon me and some were a result of fear-based decisions.
My life was filled with fear. Fear was my god. I was afraid of EVERYTHING:
Being fired
Losing my children
Being single for the rest of my life
Being poor
Being a failure
Being a success
Going to hell
Heights
Dogs
Bugs
Spiders
Being alone
Being in a crowd
Of death
Of living
You name it because the worst of all possibilities was what I believed and expected to happen to me. I was even told by a coworker that I had a black cloud over my head that followed me everywhere.
As a consequence of these experiences, beliefs and very bad decisions, I inflicted harm and hurt on two of the most important people of the face of the earth, my children. So I have seen the affects of abuse and toxic relationships and misdirected faith from the inside out.
In the midst of these difficult years, God introduced a Christian woman into my life. Her name is Suzie. We spoke often about the Christ and the difference He had made in her life. After many months of friendship, she convinced me that if I would just ask Christ to save me from myself and my sins, my life would be different. How he would turn me into a new creation and wipe all my sins away and wash me clean.
Well, I was in my own personal hell and things were progressively getting worse. There wasn’t much further down I could go before I hit the bottom of the pit. I don’t remember exactly what those words were. And although I felt as though I was about to throw myself off a very high mountain and I was about to die…. Or I wouldn’t. I said the words.
Looking back I realize that I really did die that August day in 1986. The old person of Jane was gone forever and a new creature was born. One that would learn to live a new life and build a new future.
It so happens, that that sliver of time in my life was very important to me. About a month later, Suzie turned from all her beliefs and ran to Florida with some guy. So that meant I was completely alone, no Christian friends, no church, no mentor. Just me and God.
The value of that alone time with God still grows to this day. It began me on the journey of faith that has brought me to this wonderful day.
I read my bible, understanding very little of it. There were some sentences that would make perfect sense to even the first time reader. “Jesus wept.”
Then something amazing happened. While flipping through my bible one evening a verse literally jumped off the page at me. I sat stunned as I read these words from Joel 2:25. Paraphrased: “The Lord will restore the years the locusts have eaten.” This was God’s promise to me personally. I have watched this promise come turn to reality as I have continued my life following Him.
Though it has taken years of learning, studying, confessing, forgiving and letting go, the more restored my soul becomes. The deeper I get with God, the more I trust him, the more of myself I’m willing to give to him, the more I wallow in His faithfulness.
From a life of abuse, sin, hopelessness and debilitating fear, God has brought me to a world of fulfillment, love, faith and confidence.
The ugliness of my old life is gone forever. The future continues to grow brighter and brighter.
There have been difficulties. God doesn’t tell you HE will remove all the obstacles and difficulties that arise in our lives, He says he will be there with us through them.
I have had many medical issues. I have had Fibromyalgia since the early 80’s, was diagnosed with Birt-Hogg-Dube Syndrome in 2001, and last year was diagnosed Sjogrens Syndrome. I battle depression. And I have had to separate myself from toxic people. Two of my 4 beautiful grandchildren are on the Autism Spectrum. And I still am believing that God will completely restore the years the locusts have eaten in my relationship with my sons.
But God still showers me with more blessings than I could ever ask or think. Over the years I have worked at pregnancy centers where I know of at least 4 babies lives were saved. I’ve spoken in front of hundreds of people as a representative for Compassion International and even spent a weekend in Lima, Peru visiting our sponsored child. I was the first person my Dad told when he accepted the amazing gift of eternal life, just months before his death. I have been married for 25 years to the man that God had designed just for me. I have met some amazing world renown Christian singers, authors, mentors, business people, and church leaders. I have been in the presence of some of God’s most remarkable silent saints — those that walk through their lives unnoticed but of undying faith and strength and grace. I have become certified in Purpose Profiling that can answer the question “What on Earth and I Here For,” had my own business, done a bit of traveling, I have my own blog. And I’m writing a book!
Life before Christ was hopeless, ugly, harmful and frightening.
While there are still times when I fear being rejected or criticized, I am brave because I know that God didn’t give me a spirit of fear. So when fear enters my heart and my mind, I am quicker to push through it and run to the promises of God. He is restoring my years and growing fresh fruit through His Spirit.
My prayer is that if anyone here has been hesitating to take that leap of faith at the edge of that tall mountain, that you would allow God to remove that fear from your heart. Simply admit you are a sinner and you can’t do this life on your own any more. Ask him to take control of your life and make you into the person He intends for you to be.

With no particular verse in mind that night in 1990, I opened my Bible and just started reading. I’ve heard people say that verses jumped off the page at them. That’s not something I had experienced — until that night….

The words of Joel 2:25 LITERALLY became as neon, drawing me into them and depositing themselves into my heart and my soul: “The Lord will restore the years the locusts have eaten.” I instantly knew that was an absolute promise from God to his people. I knew it was written thousands of years ago, just so I could read it that night and gain that amazing moment, memory and truth for my life. I knew that I would carry those words with me for the rest of my life.

I am way too human not to need God’s blessings and forgiveness on a regular basis. These words have been so helpful in the process of my growth as a Christian. I knew that God forgave me but I could never erase the memories of my reality from my brain. I knew what I had done. I knew what I did was wrong. I knew it was sin. At one point, I had even asked God to turn away and not see what I was about to do. I had so very many sins to be forgiven for. Sins that caused my heart to break, that caused indescribable pain for my children, pain that may never be resolved or overcome.

Joel 2:25 describes the types of locusts — the swarming locust, the hopper, the destroyer and the cutter. Locusts leave nothing in their path of destruction. They are relentless and complete in their pursuit of self-fulfillment. They obliterate everything they encounter.

This aptly describes the destruction I caused in the hearts and lives of my children. I left them alone for hours on end as I pursued my brand of self-fulfillment. They were the victims of my reckless and pitiful example of motherhood. What I didn’t know at the time, is that I was dealing with serious depression issues which went untreated for most of my life. This fact does not excuse my actions, but it helps me deal with the heartache of the memories.

I had already attempted suicide and had strongly pondered it more than once after that. Through the years I had considered leaving my children with their father. I had been mentally, emotionally and physically abused. I had known a series of people who were not healthy for me and couldn’t care any less for my children. The children were ignored and rejected by me. Their tears and cries for love were often left unanswered. It went on and on for many years. And I prayed all along that God would protect them from my actions.

My sins had consequences for a couple of lifetimes. Sadly, the lifetimes that carry the scars of my sins are my sons. As they attempted to survive this life, they added to their pain by making a series of dangerous and unhealthy choices. Eventually, their father also walked away from them and hasn’t seen them for years.

Though I have often told them how sorry I am, I can never ask for their forgiveness. That is a gift that they will have to bestow should they choose to do so. My prayer is that they will seek God to heal them by accepting His peace that passes all understanding. He’s the only one who can heal those deep and lingering hurts. That they even acknowledge me in their lives is beyond what I deserve. They are wonderful men, husbands and fathers. My love and respect for them runs deeply in my heart.

I have been fortunate in that I had been offered and accepted the gift of forgiveness from my Heavenly Father. How I would love to transfer that precious gift to them, but that is a decision we all must make for ourselves.

Miracles really do happen though not one of us deserves them. We are all sinners. Salvation comes through faith is Christ Jesus. When we take that leap of faith, the floodgates of heaven are opened for blessings unimaginable!

One of the first miracles was the one that brought my husband, Ed and I together. He helped me to open my eyes to see life, love and God as never before. He lead me to those offering solid instruction and lessons of faith. He brought me the experience of grace and peace. He made life worth living. Our married life has been a wonderful adventure of growing in Christ, traveling in service to God’s people, partnering with organizations and church groups focused on improving the lives of others, blossoming in the areas of giftedness that we were created for.

This doesn’t mean life is always easy. I have had medical and emotional issues that require attention. We have suffered loss of loved ones. We live through difficulties just as everyone else. But we have strength that sustains us and faith that carries us through. We are not hopeless. We have God’s promises to rely on.

Through these years God has demonstrated the faithfulness of the promise to restore the years the locusts have eaten. In doing so, He has used us to share that same promise to others who are hopeless in their current circumstances. There is no secret to it. Simply accept the gift that the Son offers.

That is my prayer for all who don’t know Christ as their Lord and Savior. It truly is that simple.

By February of 1990, I had been a Christian for 3 ½ years. Becoming the woman God intended me to be was a great struggle. Abandoning the common at that point in my life was accomplished incrementally. I had stopped “going out” all together and was spending more time at home. Unfortunately, the boys were of an age that they were spending more and more time out with their friends.

That winter evening I sat alone and unsure of what to do next. I wasn’t going back to my old life but I didn’t know what my new life was supposed to look like. It wasn’t that the temptations were great, it was that I had no vision or hope for the future.  

So I prayed. “God, if I am supposed to be single, you are going to have to teach me how to do that in a way that honors you. If I am to be married, you are going to have to let me know who he is beyond a shadow of a doubt, because I’m not looking any more.”  

People have since told me how brave that prayer was, accepting singleness if that’s the way it was supposed to be. Bravery had nothing to do with it. I was lost and alone. Trusting in people had been a mistake. I simply had no where else to turn. So I turned to God. 

Over the next several months, I got a little more involved with my church, attending meetings and a couple outings. A couple of very nice guys had shown an interest in me, but I wasn’t interested in starting anything with anyone just then. Besides, God hadn’t clearly indicated that one of these guys was my guy. 

Work had taken a slightly different turn from the usual. Being in the Human Resources training department I had at least a limited familiarity of the employees. I had done their New Employee orientation, forklift, respirator, or safety training. The department head decided we needed a Newsletter, and that I would be the editor. As such, I was to choose an employee from each major area of the office and plant areas to contribute to the newsletter. I also needed someone from the Art Department to work with me on this project. Ron, the department manager suggested a guy named Ed. We met a couple of times in Ed’s office to discuss how we would proceed.  

We really knew nothing about each other. I had seen his picture in the local newspaper touting the praises of the fitness club, and God, who helped him in his successful efforts to become healthier. That’s nice, I thought. He seems like a nice guy. 

One day while I was working at my desk, I suddenly found myself looking out the window toward the employee parking lot. I saw Ed walking toward the entry door at the end of our department hallway. He really looked bad—his hair was messed up, his necktie was crooked. This just wasn’t his style. The next thing I knew I was standing in the hallway looking toward him.  

Every fiber of my being shuttered and I almost lost my footing. At that instant I heard the words thundering through my shaking body – This is him.  

Somehow I managed to make it two offices down the hall where he was talking to my co-worker, Beverly. I must have had a dumbfounded look on my face. I said, “Hi,” and walked away.

At that moment I knew what God had planned for me, and it was difficult backing down enough to allow God to have His way in Ed’s life.  

So, how does May enter into this story? Well, Ed and I had our first date on the first Friday in December, we were engaged on January 10, 1991, and were married (wait for it)… 

May 25, 1991…

The events that occurred between the day God revealed this plan to me and the first few months of this marriage is another story for another time.

Incidentally, May 25, 1991 was also the day the Pittsburgh Penguins won their first Stanley Cup, which made our day extra special. We missed all that celebration, but had one of our own in Virginia Beach. 

Now here we are, 25 years later, planning our Silver Wedding Anniversary, watching with baited breath the fight for another Penguins Stanley Cup.  

May. What a wonderful month it is in my memory!   

“Spring is sprung, the grass is riz. Wonder where dem birdies is.”

Mom came home from working at the drug store and proceeded to recite this poem that a little boy had shared with her that day. It has been a Spring tradition in our family ever since to escort the arrival of Spring with that cute quote! I wish I knew who that little boy is so I can thank him for that happy memory!

The month of May has great importance in the memories of my childhood. May meant only a few more weeks of school left. At St. Joseph Catholic School it was when we celebrated Mary, the mother of Jesus. There would be songs and prayers and great expectations that we would one day grow to be as holy as her! First Communions would take place for the Second graders, usually on Mothers Day. It was a very festive time in our church.

The second Sunday in May was decreed as the day we would try really hard to be good kids and give Mom a break from all our sweet mischief. That usually didn’t happen. We five kids seemingly had mischief thrust upon us. We rarely had to look for it. Mom never had a day free from it — even if the government decreed it! Today mom and I enjoy sharing that special day with my lovely daughters-in-law. Their kids aren’t much different than we were to our mom! God bless those adorable gifts of God!

May was also the month my dad’s parents were married, May 20, 19-something. When Mom and Dad bought their first house, it happened to be right next door to Grandma and Grandad Rusnak. I recall the preparations and celebration of their 50th wedding anniversary. Grandma never cut her hair. It was amazingly strong and the longest hair I had ever seen. She wore it in a bun at the back of her head. She wore dresses down to her ankles, pretty much like you would see in old photographs of days long ago. Grandma’s first name was Julia. To this day that is my very favorite name. She would spend hours sitting in her rocking chair crocheting. There was always a candy dish next to her containing something special… like lemon drops, or mints or spearmint leaves. I loved grandma. She made the best toast I have ever — to this day– tasted. I still don’t know her secret.

During the preparation for their Golden Day, her daughters convinced her to have her hair cut and get a perm. I had never seen her look so beautiful and radiant as she did that day. I was proud to be her granddaughter!

When we would visit, Grandad would give us change from his pocket. My dumb little brother Dan, only wanted pennies. We tried to convince him to tale the other money, but he simply would not relent! So we quit and kept the “big money” for ourselves!

Andrew (Andy) Rusnak was tall and thin, wore wire-rimmed glasses, and sometimes, a straw hat. He was quiet and pleasant. He mostly was happy and laughed at us when we were there. Occasionally, he would raise his voice to settle us down. I always felt safe when I was near him. He sat in his chair and enjoyed television with his pipe. The sweet smell filled the air, and I can replicate that aroma in my imagination to this day.
But there was something about Grandad that I’ve never witnessed in another person. He had 2 sets of eyelashes, one growing inside toward his eye. I know, isn’t that strange??? Dad or one of my uncles would go to my grandparents house. Grandad would sit in his chair, the shade of his floor lamp tilted in a way to give the clearest, best-lit view of his lashes. They would turn his eye lit inside-out and, with the use of tweezers, pull out the extra pair of eye lashes. To me it was the closest thing to torture I had ever seen. But he sincerely appreciated the assistance they rendered. The extra eyelashes were very painful to him.

I don’t remember what month is was, but the first kiss I ever received was under the tree between our two yards. Just as John Lubresky placed that first tender kiss on these very nervous lips, I heard someone cough. It was Grandad! He was standing on his porch! I don’t know if he saw us, but he never said anything to my parents. I appreciated that so much.

Grandad was the first of my grandparents to pass away. He died 10 days before their 51st anniversary. I still miss him.

On with the memories…

Another significant event in May was my brother, Tom’s, birth. Mom was expecting her third child in less than 3 years. Noticing that she was having an odd discharge, she called the doctor. He told her to get to the hospital right away. It took her several hours to find people to watch my sisters and, of course, there was so much to do before the new baby came. When she finally arrived at the maternity ward, the doctor yelled at her. Tom was expiring. That was May 30, 1948. At that time, Memorial Day fell on that date every year. Now, it’s the last Monday in May. Tom did survive and I’m thankful for that. He’s one of my favorite people in the world.

To be continued…

April has been designated Autism Awareness month.

Please keep in prayer those affected by this disorder. Remember, also, their parents, siblings, Grammies and Pappies, and others who love them. Often overlooked are those on their medical, physical and educational teams who care for them so expertly and tenderly.

We have been a part of these children’s joys, difficulties, ups and downs, fears and victories. We are overjoyed to be the recipients of their neck-breaking hugs and heart-melting smiles. We are sometimes confused by our mixed emotions.

But mostly, we are humbled and honored to be the ones God has chosen to be the greatest loves of their lives.

So, Light it Up Blue in April!!

In spite of the fact that I am a “project person,” one of my greatest obstacles has been my resistance to finishing those projects. Whether it is housekeeping (there’s always a junk drawer often the size of a room), or a laundry day with a few things left for next time, a grocery list that has something left off. That diet or exercise plan that I plan to start. Forget it! You get the idea. No matter how good my intentions, it’s always the same. I quit before its completion. Obviously a subject for a few counseling sessions.

So here it is. The end of the book I intend to write some day.

Yes, I started here so I can honestly say I finished this last chapter! Now all I have to do work on all those things that come before. That should be much easier now that I don’t have to worry about finishing it!

In reality, the title of this chapter means so much more to me. These are the words that have been so intensely important in my life. It means that Jesus has completed his work on the cross that would enable us mere humans to be called saints. Some religious traditions require the person do something amazing to be officially deemed a saint. But the truest Christian belief of sainthood has nothing to do with any miracles God may or may not invite us to be involved in. It is entirely through the miracle of Christ, himself, that we can become saints. All we have to do is accept this most precious gift by faith. It’s all HIM! We don’t even have to understand it.

My prayer is that someone reading the aforementioned moments of my life would recognize the presence of God through it all. It oftentimes took difficulties to wake me up from my sinful, ungodly, eyes-wide-open sleep. Every sin is and was a decision. Even my limited knowledge of Scripture (continually working on that) shows me that. The process of my life shows the greater and best parts of my life occurred when I was “in Him.” May your life be so blessed according to God’s purpose for you.

The amazingly talented Singer/songwriter of Christian music, Rich Mullins, wrote an autograph to me that simply states, “Be God’s.” Great words that I offer as my prayer for you.

It is finished.

While having breakfast at a local family restaurant, I overheard the sweetest interaction between a father and his little boy. Daddy went to the breakfast bar and was in a place where his son couldn’t see him through the dividers between the booths. The little one, sounding a bit concerned, yelled, “Daddy!”

A man in a nearby booth reassured the boy, “Daddy is here. I can see him.”

So precious was the way the boy, once again, says, “Daddy,” with the truest confidence his Daddy would always be there for him, even if he couldn’t always see him.

What a remarkable illustration of the importance of staying close to others who know God. When we are in the midst of personal difficulties, our view of God is often obscured. That’s when we need our Brothers and Sisters in Christ to remind us that He is always there.

Thank you to my friends who have been there for me. It’s often through you that I more clearly see Him.

9/11/15