I hate being single. I hate being a widow.

The morning Ed passed away I sat beside him holding onto “him,” speaking to “him” as though “he” might respond. Then, suddenly I realized, that wasn’t “him” anymore. The body next to me was the former dwelling place of the Holy Spirit, the essence of who Ed was. Ed really was gone.

I remember hearing myself cry, “How do I do this?” “I don’t know how to do this.”

I still don’t know how to be single. I don’t know how to be a widow.

Three months in and it’s been harder than I thought it would be. Just filling all the hours is work. I miss waking up to the aroma of coffee in the house. Often when I rolled out of bed, he was already hard at work in his office. It was wonderful having him work from home. It was sweet hearing his half of the conversations he was having with the staff In Wisconsin. He was kind to everyone and that is probably his greatest legacy. I miss his voice, his hugs. I miss seeing him read his Bible. I miss watching him sing in the choir. I miss telling him my silly thoughts. I miss seeing him napping on his recliner with the cat curled up at his feet. I miss having someone to say nothing important to.

How wrong I was believing I was a strong, independent woman. I had been through so very much, mostly difficult times. Then suddenly, this wonderful man showed up in my life and showed me a different life, one based in the joy of the Lord.

32 years later, this godly man is gone, along with my strength, my independence and yes, a lot of my joy. I hadn’t realized how much responsibility our relationship hid from me. Not intentionally, but just through the process of life, he took care of so many things that I just never knew.

I might take the car to get inspected, but he’s the one who made the appointment and assured payment was made. He “ran to the store” to pick up those few things we needed. He got the bills paid every month. He knew which of those bills were automatically withdrawn from our account and which had to be given other attention. Which are paid annually? He cleaned the liter box. He did so much. And he did it all with joy and love in his heart.

Now it’s all on me. In some ways it would be easier if I had not relinquished some of those household responsibilities. I would have a system set up. But now I have to set up my own system in mid-stream.

Yesterday I had my second doctors appointment since he’s been gone. It was hard. He was with me through years of medical procedures and doctors appointments. I’m putting off a simple heart procedure until after the holidays because I don’t want to know. But the biggest thing I’m facing now is the CT scan. Has the kidney cancer returned? Will I have to go through more surgery or treatments? Will I have to do it alone? Will I have to depend on people with already busy lives? I’ve become so dependent on others in so many ways.

Yes, these stressful circumstances have caused me to become closer to my Creator. He knows the answers before I even have the questions. He will never leave me or forsake me. He loves me more than Ed ever did, or could. And Ed loved me so well.

But I still have to go through this grief process alone, in the middle of all life’s normal process. No one can do it for me. The bills will get paid, the medical questions will be answered, the liter box will get cleaned. God will carry me through. Nothing in my life will happen unless it’s first passed through God’s hands. I will continue to smile and joke and even be happy. But my status remains.

I hate being single. I hate being a widow.